God, how I want that woman—it’s maddening. Maybe if I could taste her one more time—get her out of my system—it would help. She did believe in closure, didn’t she? She went to see Kyle for “closure” and moved on from me. I suppose I could test that theory.

Fuck! Fuck! I’m getting hard thinking about her body. I’ve had sex three times today, but put Sienna in my thoughts and I instantly get a hard-on.

I’ll figure something out. I always do.

I want to possess her—for the last time.

Then I can move on and not look back.



It’s been a month and three weeks since I’ve been back in London. The trip to LA was worth it. Although, my teachers were accommodating, I still had homework to catch up on. I stayed with Kyle and his parents during the whole two week visit. Marie was overjoyed and wouldn’t stop implying that someday I would eventually go back to her son. I hid most of the time in the guestroom and tried to forget about everything—which was simply impossible to do.

My memory always flashed back to that single moment when he proposed and I declined—his expression then—his beautiful face contorted with hurt and rejection—made me feel like a double cold-hearted bitch. He proposed and I never saw it coming. Not only was I reeling from the revelation of his impending engagement, I was gob-smacked by the proposal. As much as I loved him, I am not ready to be married. I’m not even twenty—marriage is out of the question. I felt bombarded with all sorts of emotions at that very moment—but it doesn’t take away the fact that the bottom line was/is, that I’m still in love with Blake Knightly. If he told me about the whole thing before I found out from that wretched woman, I would’ve forgiven him. But it was all a joke wasn’t it? I felt betrayed and most of all the butt of all jokes. Who else knew and never once warned me about it?

Everything’s been on auto-pilot. I’ve trained myself to smile and be cheerful around people even though it’s killing me inside. I’m a living empty shell—but the beat goes on right? And so I shall.

After the first week in LA shutout to the world in Kyle’s guestroom, he wouldn’t let me have the same courtesy come the second week. I was grateful for his persistent nature. He took me to Disneyland and Universal Studios, twice for both. I had a blast—who wouldn’t? I felt like a kid again. Kyle knew me inside out and I’m thankful he’s helping me through this rut of post-breakup madness.

Oh, the irony. When Kyle broke my heart, Blake was there for me. And now the situation’s reversed. The cycle of life can be so tedious and complicated.

Kyle on the other hand—took a different turn. A hot sexy turn, I might add. He cut his surfer hair and had a buzz like cut, got a large intricate tribal tattoo on his back that wrapped around his shoulder and arm. The trip back home gave him a nice tan. He’s been dropping hints about us again. How long can I evade the subject? This is major emotional overload.

I’m on my way to catch up with Chad and Lucy in a pub outside Lucy’s school. I’ve explained the situation to them—only the highlights. I don’t think I can voice much without breaking down into hysterics. It’s best to keep it that way. I have a façade to put on.

I’m ninety-nine point nine percent sure those two didn’t buy the crap I fed them, but hey I had to keep trying. It’s easier to be in denial with my feelings to others when I simply couldn’t deal with it either. I’d rather dwell on it alone without anyone seeing me. I was functioning and that I believed was a great head start.

Upon entering the pub, I saw Luce and Chad tucked in a booth on my far left and made my way to them. Their faces lit up upon seeing me.

“Hello ladies—sorry to be late—traffic totally sucked on the way here.”

“Oh, don’t be daft—no need to apologize love,” Lucy greeted me and kissed both of my cheeks. The European way—love it!

Chad poured me a glass of red wine and slid it carefully before me. It’s just us three now. The boys, Toby and Blake, temporarily moved to Marbella to finish the project.

“Chad, you’ve lost weight. Are you on a diet or something?” I asked.

He looked at Lucy and me. “I did?” We both nodded in unison. He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Oh you know. The usual problems g*y men have. Boyfriends…parents…hellish things…But you know, moving on—the exhibition was a success although it definitely took a large amount of my life. It was stressful but super f**king worth it.”

“What’s going on with your parents Chad?” Lucy asked.

He shrugged before answering. “Usual crap—don’t feel like talking about them. But let me tell you my dear baby love—all your portraits were sold—I had to let you know since you’ve been hella busy since you’ve been back. You’ve been ignoring your bestie—but I forgive you!”

“I’m sorry you guys, promise I’ll be better. But wait—who bought them? Oh, I’m so happy for you! You’re going to be a major brand soon! Just you wait.”

“I can’t disclose that—sorry,” he smiled wickedly at me. Huh.

“I can only guess who bought them—but who knows—anyway, Toby invited all three of us to go down there and visit. I mean I go there almost every weekend to see him—but he wants to catch up with everyone,” Lucy said with excitement.

Um, not ready for that. Toby lives with Blake. Certainly not ready for that.

“You guys go—I’m busy with school and work. Tell him I said hi and I miss him or better yet—I’ll text him.”

“Please do. He’s been worried you see—but he’ll be glad to hear from you. What about you Chad? Coming?” Quirking her eyebrow.

“No can do missy—I have a lot on my plate. Though the thought of sunbathing and enjoying hot rich men around the beach is very enticing—I have to pass, maybe next time perhaps?” Lucy stuck a tongue at him. “Oh, surely not you too? You’re such a bugger Chad!”

Crap, invitations to go to Marbella are going to come up a lot. I just hope I have enough excuses to dodge it. Chad loves vacations, wonder what’s keeping him? He looked unhappy, but why? Was it about his parents? I’ll corner him later and interrogate.

I’ve heard from Luce that Blake’s been extremely busy, flying to a few different countries on a weekly basis. His reign in the business is imminent and Toby’s confident that Blake’s grandfather is stepping down in the next six months. With his hectic schedule—I doubt he remembers his short stint with me. He did have a playboy reputation and I don’t doubt that he already had a replacement. The man was insatiable and had an everlasting stamina in bed and out of it.

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