No, it’s better I walk away. It’s better if I leave, take this one beautiful night and hold it close the rest of my life. I can watch Jessie from afar, make sure she’s happy. It will kill me, but that’s what I’ll do, because I don’t have a choice. I need her to be happy and there’s no way she can be that with me.
I lean down and kiss her forehead, wishing I could taste her lips just one more time. She whimpers a little in her sleep and whispers one word that makes it feel like my heart is in a vice.
Fuck, why did I have to meet her? Why do I have to go through life knowing what I could have had if my life had gone on a different path all those years ago? Even as I ask myself those questions, I know I wouldn’t give anything for my brief time with Jessie.
I’ll hold onto it for the rest of my life…
I stretch awake feeling warm and happy. Last night was the single most beautiful moment I’ve had in my life. As I stretch I notice I’m sore and that makes me grin. Allen made love to me once more last night and it was better than the time before. Then he made me come using his fingers while we were lying in bed side by side and me looking in his eyes the entire time. It might not have been better, but it was still fantastic and it was… slow and sweet. I came slowly and I did it with Allen whispering to me and holding me. I came with his beautiful lips smiling at me and his dark eyes shining when they looked at me and I felt… beautiful.
I roll over on my side, anxious to tell him how much last night meant to me. To tell him that I love him, and to reassure him that I am okay with a long distance relationship. Miami really isn’t that far away. I can deal with distance. I’ll drive down to see him on the weekends and sometimes he can come here. We can make it work. Besides, if things work out between us, I’d be willing to relocate for him.
I’m so busy planning that it doesn’t hit me at first. But when it does it feels like the world stops turning.
I’m alone in the room.
My first thought is that he’s probably just in the restroom. I lean over his side of the bed and look down on the floor and Allen’s clothes are gone. I touch his pillow and it’s cool. Allen hasn’t been in the bed for a while.
Pain…white hot pain shreds me.
Allen left. After everything… he left.
I mean, he said he was going to. It’s not like he lied to me, but after what we shared I just assumed…
“You’re an idiot, Jessie,” I grumble to myself. I get up from the bed feeling hurt and foolish. It doesn’t matter that I have no right to be; I still feel that way. I walk toward the bathroom and with each step I take my body feels sore, reminding me of just what kind of workout I had last night. That only makes me hate myself a little more. I turn the hot water on in the shower, trying to just focus on the here and now, and not on Allen. I get in under the spray, and as the water moves over my body, I stare blankly at the tiled wall.
“You’re so beautiful, Jessie. You’re everything.”
Allen’s words from the night before come back to me and I close my eyes against their sweetness. They obviously weren’t true. If they were he would have at least stayed long enough to say goodbye. I slide against the wall of the shower until my ass hits the tiled floor. I close my eyes as the heated stream of water pours down on me and I let myself cry.
I cry for the fact that I finally met the man I’ve always dreamed of. I cry because I touched something so sweet I never knew it existed, but most of all I cry because I think I’ve met the man that I will love for the rest of my life and I’ve lost him…
Because he doesn’t love me back.
“What’s going on with you?”
I look over at Ana and shake my head. I don’t want this conversation and the morning I left St. Augustine I made it clear to both her and Roman that I didn’t want to discuss any of this. Ana’s been silent for three days, which I know is hard for her and because of that, I knew this was coming. I know what she’s asking, but I’m going to ignore it and hope she takes the hint.