Micky looks at me with an understanding smile.
“Do you want to talk about what happened last night? Have you heard from Xavier at all?” She looks worried, but I can tell she’s happy that I want pizza. If I’m not eating, you know something is really wrong.
“No I haven’t heard from him, that fucking asshole. Not only that, but I started to think about all these weird times with him. Like when he would make me feel like I was gross and disgusting fat pig.” I look up at her, wondering why I never articulated these thoughts before.
Micky looks horrified.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. There was this one time when we were at some party, and I was eating chips and guac. I was going to get more and he said to me, ‘Are you sure you really need more of those? I’ll eat some for you if you want!’ He chuckled and grabbed my hand and I sort of brushed it off. But it made me feel really bad.”
“What a complete idiot. Seriously, what is wrong with him?” Micky shakes her head with disgust. “You know you’re like, incredibly beautiful right? Like I’m jealous of your curves. Being stick straight isn’t so sexy sometimes.” She laughs and brushes a lock of perfect blonde hair behind her shoulder. I roll my eyes; Mick really doesn’t get how much easier her life is because of how she looks.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know. There was another time when we were on a date at this fancy restaurant. I had gotten all dressed up in this black dress that I thought was very slimming. While I was looking through the menu at the restaurant I saw so many delicious looking meals that I was so excited to try. But when the waitress came to take our order, Xavier ordered for me: a salad and water. He said, ‘Maybe you can have a glass of wine afterwards, if you’re not too bloated!’ and laughed with the waitress, who was a tiny blonde.”
Micky’s mouth is practically open with shock, so I continue.
“I did get a little offended that time, and asked him what he meant once the waitress walked away. He mumbled something incomprehensible, and I let it go. Looking back on it now, I remember him staring at the waitress’s ass. I convinced myself that it didn’t happen, but stuff like that actually happened all the time. Anyways, Xavier said he was really just looking out for me. He wanted me to feel my best, or some bullshit like that.”
Micky shakes her head with wonder.
“That dude is an asshole, straight up,” she says. “If any guy said that to me, I’d punch in him the face.”
I nod slowly.
“Yeah, I’m pretty pathetic for putting up with it, aren’t I?” is my wry question. “How sad. I let that guy walk all over me for nothing.”
It was unsettling to look back on our relationship and question almost every moment. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how badly Xavier treated me. I was just so star struck, and so hung up on the idea that he chose me. If someone like that chooses you, you’re just happy about it. You don’t realize that the person that you thought was perfect is actually a huge jerk.
But to be honest, I put that on him, too. Perfection. Xavier could never live up to such standards because honestly, he wasn’t even nice. I just never saw it because I was so desperate to be loved.
Micky shakes her head again.
“That’s really not okay. You never deserved any of that, Gin. I wish you told me earlier because I would have told you to kick that asshole to the curb. What a loser. But moving on, sweetie. I would love to stay in bed and watch movies with you today. Sounds perfect. Screw homework and studying. Screw asshole ex-boyfriends.”
I giggle a little.
“And we’re going to eat pizza too, you forgot that part. Speaking of, I’m going to order it now. And you really need to go get changed, Mick. Tight jeans and a sweater are definitely not proper movie watching attire.” I laugh, grabbing my phone to dial.
The rest of the day we lay in bed watching different rom coms, talking about what an idiot Xavier is, discussing all of Micky’s current potential boyfriends, and pondering what we’re going to do after graduation. My buddy is a dance major, and she’s thinking of going into dance therapy. She has a bunch of different places already lined up to apply to and I’m impressed.
By contrast, I really don’t have any idea what I want to do. As an art major, it’s a very broad workforce category. I know that I want to stick to doing something artistic as opposed to falling into the corporate world. But everytime I think about it, I just get stressed out and anxious because I love sketching, but I have no idea how to make a career out of that. I love designing things too, but again, I’m just not sure how this skill translates into the real world.