And when said time had indeed come, and the regrets were too much to bear on her own, she had gone knocking on his office door, and the professor, after taking just one look at her face, had hauled her inside, locked the door, and proceeded to make love to her right then and there.
Her mouth crushed under his, her back against the wall, her legs around his waist while his cock slammed into her again and again—
I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll see stars, the professor whispered to her ear, and after that, you can cry on my shoulder.
Which she had.
Because when I told you I love you, it wasn’t just an expression of my feelings. It was a promise. You’re my life now. For better or for worse. Through all the ups and downs, you will always be everything for me and to me, and nothing will ever be more important.
That night he had said those words, she hadn’t really quite understood him. Because she had been young and naïve, stupid and inexperienced, the worst had to happen, and she ended up hurting the professor just to know what his love truly meant.
It had been about two weeks since they started living together when she told him her best friend was coming to visit her. I want to meet her first, she had told him hesitantly. And if it’s okay with you, I was hoping I could also let her know…
And when all she had gotten was silence, she had started stammering nervously. I just thought, since you were okay with me telling Magnolia and Amine about you, it would be okay for me to tell Katya…
She had waited and waited, and in the end, the professor had said quietly, If that’s what you think is best.
The conversation had haunted her throughout the day, to the point that she had almost succumbed to calling their couples’ therapist just so she could ask what the big deal was. Katya was a big part of her life, and didn’t she owe the truth to her best friend? Shouldn’t Katya be given a choice about whether or not she still wanted to be in Diana’s life, once she knew of Matthijs’ condition?
She had gone as far as calling the therapist’s office number, but the moment it started ringing on the other line, she had found herself ending the call, cold and shaking in the backseat of the professor’s car and unable to get rid of the feeling that she had almost betrayed him.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
She had a sudden, desperate urge to say the words, and it had her rushing back home. And when she found him alone in their bedroom, the dull look in his eyes had her falling to her knees in front of him.
I’m sorry. She had no idea what she was apologizing for; she only knew that she had done something wrong, and she had hurt him. I’m so, so sorry.
Are you ashamed of me?
And she had started to cry. No. Of course not.
Because it’s alright if you are.
The words had her crying harder. I’m not ashamed. I swear. But when she had tried reaching for his hands, he had shaken his head, and she could only cry, seeing that refusing her touch had hurt him just as much.
I’m so sorry, she had whispered.
There’s a reason why there isn’t any law that requires full and immediate disclosure of my condition. The only way I can kill someone is when I have my dick in that person’s hole, and I’ve stopped taking medications.
And when he looked at her, the bleakness was back in his eyes, and this time it was because of her.
It will never work if being with me makes you feel guilty and you have the constant need to tell everyone what I have. I won’t stop loving you for it, but I wouldn’t be able to bear it either, knowing how I make you feel—
She had cut him off by throwing herself in his arms. Had cut him off because it was then she had finally understood, just what this very special man meant, when he had told her ‘I love you.’
That night, she had loved him with all she had, using her mouth and her hands to beg for his forgiveness and ask for another chance. And after, with Matthijs sleeping beside her, his arms around her, she had let the tears fall as she prayed.
Please God. Please Saint M. Please.
She prayed that the time would never come and he might think he had to push her away again.
She prayed that the time would never come and she would be so weak as to leave him.
She prayed and prayed, prayed for everything that had to do with her failings.
But not once did she remember to pray that the day would never come…and it would be her love for him that would spell their end, and she would find herself leaving, not because of him, but for him.